It's all lies, lies and more lies..

I cannot believe I doubted myself and felt sorry when I'm actually right all along! You were lying and yet u can still turn around and scold me for accusing u for lying. how do u want me to trust u?! How can I? whatever trust I wanted to give u or had given u is gone now... all turned into ashes! u fabricated a story to get away. If u really want to get away then why do u still want to be with me? i feel like dying.... i;m such a fool..

exactly 1 week ago i sat in the same chair at around the same time typing in the same web page. I'm fucked up. seriously. I feel so distant from you. 3am today, 2am yesterday. tmrw's a friday and yes, 5am it will be. nth on the pages of the organizer tt you've promised. not even a fucking sms. If i hadnt call you today, we'd never talk. you just come home smelling of alcohol everyday and sleep next to me like fucking drunk. I hate you.

The night sky is so tempting. and you've been pushing tt limit. God knows when I'll take that fall. go to hell.

 after 26mths, the same problems still exist. Is it time to move on and let go or is it time to accept that he's never gonna change? how much longer can I tolerate or how much time do I still have to waste? Is everyone right about how wrong I was to give up something I want since forever for something I might never have? I cant come to terms with myself and the decisions I made. was Sarah right about Man vs God?

I need a really transparent relationship and someone I can lean on. Lately, he's neither. sudden password on his phone, late nights, not answering phone and reply SMS-es. I can't deal with it. I'm not sure if staying here will help and I'll need a miracle for him to change. maybe, just maybe the unexpected might happen.

am I asking too much?

There are so many things that I wanna tell him but I'm afraid to. Just because he'll say that I don't think enough. But honestly, I really don't want to be that analytical! I realize that with friends I share more openly, only because I have no burden. I don't really care what they think about me! But when it comes to him, I'm stumped. I just can't seem to get my brain working! It's so frustrating because I'm usually not like that!

I hate it when he puts me down in front of his friends, my friends and even my family! I really cannot stand it when he uses words like "stupid", "idiot", "kid", etc. Many times I let it go and just swallow it all down. But really, how much more can I take? Depressing and negative as I already am, throwing me more negative comments and criticizing me more is definitely not gonna help. Is he usually right? Maybe most of the time yes, and only after he explains himself. But seriously, I just don't understand why can't he tell me in a nicer way in the beginning?

Does he take care of me? The answer is Yes, without a doubt. Then why am I complaining?! Because he doesn't want to do that!!!! He wants me to be independent and to take care of him instead. I mean, yes I can, but while doing that, I wanna be a 小女人 and let him take care of me most of the time! Honestly, I would also like to be pampered, loved, enjoy a lil TLC when I'm with my bf. Sadly, he's not that kind of guy. Jasmine says that men needs to be trained and taught how to do so, but I have absolutely no idea how! Sometimes I wish he's a lil bit more like Kev who does romantic things, or maybe like Joyce who would pamper and give in to me. But then again, he's not them and if he was, it'll not be him. So it's a dilemma! Somehow, I just keep praying that he'll change. I guess that's the Libraian me.

You can't really blame for wanting to strangle him sometimes. It's so exasperating when he pretends to not get me! He knows what I want. but doesn't give. He knows what I'm thinking, but pretends that he don't. He likes to play mind games and challenge me in all sorts of ways. But I'm sooooooooo tired! I don't want to play the game. I want everything to be simple, spoken aloud and clear. I hate it when he throws me into situations where I get upset over something he said would happen, but only because he just wants to test me. I mean, come on! Why does it have to be like that?! You promised me that the r/s is as simple as "WANT" or "DON'T WANT", but yet in reality, there's all that fine prints which I have to look out for! Why can't it be more straightforward?

Last December could have been the end, but he convinced me to stay. Then, I told myself not to fall any deeper because it'll be disastrous. And that seriously did not work. I fell deeper, trusting, wanting and hoping more out of the r/s. Then only to find out that no, he was not going to give it to me anytime soon. He included me in his life, in his family and his home. But yet, he can say that he's gonna give up. So what does he really mean? For the past 5 months, I've constantly reminded myself that we're just trying out again. But then when things happen, I took it too hard. The slashes were the clear-cut signs, but I didn't pay attention. It's only after the second episode that I realized I've fallen too deep and there's no return. And, I've also realized that it's still there after 6 years.

I'm falling apart bit by bit everyday and no one knows. I can't tell anyone, and there's no one to understand. Not even him. Crying in bed is as normal as eating 5 times a day. And drawing back will only mean that I can't take it anymore.

I really want it to work. God, please give me the strength, the knowledge and will to fight this. Because without him, I have no one else.

have I misjudged and did the wrong thing?
am I wrong to cut it off and cut it out frm my life?
maybe I dont deserve love at all.
not frm anyone else. not frm anyone at all.
i hate this part right here...

I haven't been here like forever! last entry was 3 days before I started work at Citibank. and now, I'm 3.5 weeks away frm my last day at Citibank.

frankly speaking, I never had much time to blog coz I had school, work and my love. but then, tt day he reminded me of this place. this place where i could speak freely. sometimes I wonder, do I only write when i'm upset or when I'm single? hmm.. based of past entries, 70% of the time - yes.

so, anyway... it's been 16mths now. is it going well? I guess so.. but we definitely have alot to work on on our communication. I feel so difficult to talk to him! i mean, not about my problems, but his. I feel that he doesnt wanna let me into his head. maybe he's afraid that I might find a dark and twisty him, but I dont care because I just want him to talk to me. is he afraid tt I can't handle it? is he afraid tt I don't understand? WHY IS HE NOT TALKING TO ME?! sometimes I just wanna bang my head on the wall and strangle myself of being so stupid. I wanna be the one, I wanna be able to take care of him and to do things for him. but I'm so thick in the head that I can't understand him. it's like we're on different frequency on that. I just wish that he can let me in a lil'.. even if it's just a peak through the keyhole.

that aside, then I have to deal with myself. arghhhh!

why?
why is it so tough?
why am I so weak?
why cant I be stronger?

4.5 days now.. things have not changed, not a bit.
everyday is a struggle and I hope you'd do something about it, but nope, nothing.
it's really not helping and I'm losing hope.
I just need that little bit from you.
maybe I'm not that important after all.
maybe you need someone else.
maybe if you just gave in a little.
maybe....
if you had been with me for just another day, things might be different.

I'm alone right now.
but i'm still hoping things would turn around and you'd see me.
then again, you don't have the time.
i'm a being, not a thing.


9 months, it's today.

aight. In continuation of my previous, previous entry, we explore the issue of EGO: Men or Women?

Stereotype 1: Men are egoistic creatures, Women need to help nurse their pride.
Stereotype 2: Women does not have, or have minimal ego.
Stereotype 3: there's no 3. that's all I can think of at 6am.

so is it true that ego belongs all to men and women have none at all? We need to feel right about ourselves and be sure of our abilities. However, how much is too much? We have no idea when we go overboard and let ego take over us, turning us into some kind of monster. Typical situation: Couple fights, Boy raises his voice, Girl raises her voice. Boy says something, Girl retorts. This goes on for hours, nobody wants to back down, both want to win the fight. But the point is, you cannot win ALL the fight! pick and choose people! sometimes, you just have to swallow your pride and eat up that egoistic monster that you've become. Just apologize! And people, please for goodness sake, don't think that you are ALWAYS right! there are chances that you might be wrong, so give each other the benefit of doubt!

So it's not just men who have ego. Women have it too! but the thing that I don't understand is that how people (in my case, a guy) can be so sure of himself, thinking he's always right, acting like he's always right and convincing the girl that he IS always right?! is the girl dumb to believe everything he says; or is he really right all the time because he's been through alot; or could it be just his ego?

i'm not the expert here so... it's just meaningless ranting.